Last night I baked off some cookies. We ate them together at the table. Harbour wanted me to save one for him to have today. He was very concerned about it; asking to be sure I’d saved it. I pulled some parchment out of the drawer and made a quick-and-dirty envelope for the cookie, discovered that Scotch tape doesn’t adhere to parchment (well), wrote his name on the outside, discovered Sharpie pens don’t adhere to parchment (well), and let him know I’d hold onto his cookie mail until tomorrow.
Tonight we hoovered our pizza and after, Harbour inevitably wanted his cookie mail from yesterday. I gave it to him. He smacked through it. Thanked me for it at the behest of his mom’s request.
Then he asked where his envelope was.
Then Jessica relaxed her clenched hand from the crumpled ball of parchment. Jessica hands do adhere to parchment (well). The crumpled ball that had been the cookie envelope settled on the table.
She was sorry. He was crying. I was torn. It was just a paper means to a cookie end to me at this point. It was just a scrap to be cleaned from the table to Jessica at this point. It was a precious piece of mailed love from his dad to Harbour at this point…and the points prior.
He wanted it back to the way it was which to my surprise, revealed some thoughts that I felt similarly about. Jessica folded and smoothed the envelope as best as she could. She did a good job of it too considering it had just been her stress ball.
Harbour could only see the wrinkles. “But I didn’t want it to be kind of crumpled!”
My heart broke for him, her, me, and all of us.
I hope we all can mourn our losses, savor our cookies, cherish our gifts, smooth the wrinkles, and go to bed with some peace from trusting we can get through the pain together. Even when together is inclusive of the ones who hurt us. Even when we don’t cherish things that are cherished by others. Even when we just want to hold on to the way it was. No together; no we.
TL;DR: I love my family. Pain hurts. COVID-19 sucks. The past can’t be changed. People need each other, like it or not.
-JG